Monday, August 10, 2015

Moving When it Hurts

This summer at the Romance Writers of America's annual conference, I missed a session that in retrospect, I wish I'd made a priority.

It was the one on depression.

Specifically, on writers battling depression.

Like me.

I am a writer and I am depressed.

There. I said it.

I've been dancing around the truth for a lot of months now, but this weekend, when I broke plans, twice, just so I could stay home hibernating, when I didn't do laundry, or put dishes away, or call my parents, when I had to coax myself into the shower, when I ordered Chinese food over the internet rather than chance interacting with someone, when I stepped on the scale and weighed in 10 pounds heavier than the start of the year...I knew.

Deep in my bones, I knew.

It's time for honesty.

And for help.

For anyone following my posts this year, you'll know that my Word of the Year, is MMM and stands for move, make, meditate.

It is blasted difficult (understatement) to do any of that with a two-ton rock squatting uninvited on one's back.

I've cycled through periods of depression for much of my life. It bugs the crap out of me that it's circled back for another visit. But it IS here and the longer I go with my head in the sand trying to ignore it, the larger it will grow, taking over more real estate in my life.

As painful as moving is right now, it's time to address the rock.

A dear friend introduced me to the phrase, the universe rewards action. Okay. I'm acting, Universe. And I'm reaching out for help. And, eventually, I'll shift that dang rock.

If past history is anything to go by, it will take a while. The good news is I'm starting. I'm starting.

And just so this post isn't a complete downer, here's a Rock who could take up residence next door tomorrow and go a long way to alleviating what ails me.



12 comments:

  1. Recognizing when we need help is hard to do and reaching out for that help can be even harder. That's two obstacles you've overcome, and I'm proud of you for taking them on, Keely! I know you can battle out from underneath this rock, especially with the help you're seeking. Health (of all kinds) is a long haul, but that's all right. Thanks so much for your candor and I hope you'll keep all us readers posted (if you want to) as you make this journey.

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    1. Hey Nic - good health is definitely a long term commitment! Margie Lawson talks about SAM goals and how ultimately they set a person up for failure b/c they're too static: Set. Achieve. Maintain. It's that maintain part that's tricky, I think b/c it's easy to get stuck in one track thinking instead of responding to current events. Balance isn't static and fine-tuning when one goes off track is definitely part of healthy living.

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  2. Awww. The Rock is there for you, girl, and so are we! ;0) Love that photo. Post it on the back of your front door. <3 Remember that depression varies from person to person, but it's hardly ever a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of thing. I don't struggle with depression, but someone I love dearly and live closely to, does. I get it. And, often times, depression is, by and large, a brain chemistry issue. So make sure you keep talking about it. Also, make sure you see your friendly healthcare professional. Depression is nothing to ignore. What ails you is treatable, honey. It's a nuisance, and something that keeps popping up. But you are worth it. Hugs! Love you. <3

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    1. Definitely a nuisance, but you're right, definitely treatable. Thanks for the love, my friend. It does a body good. <3

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  3. Darling Keely...why is the ones we always think have it so together turn out to be suffering? This year at RWA I was sharing some of my breakthrough tackling of emotional issues with a professional therapist, and one of my friends said, 'but you always seem so happy and funny and together'. I blew ginger ale out my nose and of course we all laughed, but of course all recognized that this is so typical of women. Good luck and we love you, we being me along with so many friends of yours, and family, and probably everyone who knows you. I cannot second Mackenzie's advice about 'healthcare professionals' being the best source of progress for this battle. Mine, particularly with visualization therapy, has helped so much. I'm thinking of you, girlfriend. Don't stop at recognition...take that next step and I promise it will become something you manage, instead of something that weighs you down. XXXXOOOO

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    1. I so agree! Amazing how talented people are at putting up a good front (and by women, yeah, I mostly mean women, lol). I've definitely shared the laughter that's true but hurts. Bittersweet to know others I love suffer too - companionship I like, but I wouldn't choose this road for anyone, most especially not my friends.

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  4. We're here for you, always. <3

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  5. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That's how I do it. And lots of support from friends and family. And did I mention therapy. Been there done that but I now use spiritual practices and beliefs to keep on the sunny side of life. Nothing works all the time because life is complex and ever-changing and so is happiness. It's that day at a time, hour at a time, minute at a time that always works best. And lots of support from friends and family.

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  6. I'm sorry I missed that panel at RWA, too! It would be great if we could do something on creativity and depression with WRW.

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    1. Good idea! Now to figure out logistics!

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  7. Deborah - you are the original act and the universe will reward you sage. I'm blessed by my circle of support (and yet somehow always surprised to learn all over again that it's there). I have a bevvy of mantras I lean on, one is the phrase, "I can do anything for two minutes." I know the combination of minute bits of patience combined with action will see me through.

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