Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

A few weeks ago, I had an epic meltdown. Let me back up a moment. I’m not one given to drama. I don’t do Diva. I don’t do personal meltdowns. I handle life as it comes. I weather through. Usually quietly. Often confidently. Pushing ahead and never looking back, I take one day at a time as it comes and plow through the tasks ahead of me. Yet, there, on a quiet Saturday afternoon and into evening, I found myself in the middle of the perfect storm of gargantuan meltdowndom. Ugly cry, sobbing meltdown. To be fair, I was at the point of exhaustion. I had a big test coming up in two days and felt ill-prepared. I hadn’t finished judging all my RITA books. I had a to-do list that stretched across my desk--the biggest of which was to pull together my tax information in order to do taxes. Heck, that would stress anyone out, right? This was so unlike me. I had no clue what was going on. But as I sat there doing the ugly hiccup sob, I finally came to the realization that I felt totally alone in the world. I was lonely. While I had a million things to do and I was alone in my house, a meltdown held me captive because I was ALONE.

What? Yeah, the realization slapped me up alongside the head, too. For years, all I’ve wanted was to be alone. To find one moment to myself. Away from the chaos of being a working mother and a wife and a writer. And now that I find myself with time to call my own, I’m struggling with the idea of a lonely road stretching out ahead of me. The path is not an easy one for me to contemplate.

As I’ve talked in previous posts, I’m in transition. My nest is emptying. The second of my three sons leaves for college in August. So my house has gotten quieter and quieter. My sons need me less. Or less in the way that they’ve always needed me. They’re more self-sufficient. They make their own meals. Get themselves to practice and school. Do their own laundry. Have their own social lives. I know, I’ve raised good, self-sufficient modern men, right? Yes. Perfect. Good job, mom. So why does this leave me feeling empty? It could be because I also find myself alone a lot more than I’ve ever been. And when you’ve been used to chaos and busyness for the past twenty years, it’s hard to downshift to a slower pace of home life and not feel it in your gut like a sucker punch.

And, really, it’s not like the pace of my work life has slowed down at all. I basically work three jobs besides my job as mother. I am busy. Yet, my axis has shifted. My world no longer revolves primarily around my kids and their well-being and activities. While they are still a huge part of my life, and thus in the same orbit, they’re no longer the big focal point. Everything does not revolve around them. So what do you do with that, when suddenly your time is your own and you find yourself alone? Not only alone, but lonely?

In that moment, that night, all I could do was cry. When I’d cried all I could, I took a hot bath, had a stiff drink, then crawled into bed and flipped on the television. One of my favorite new shows, Lucifer, was airing. So while I lay in bed, trying to catch my breath and breathe, I also crawled out of my own head--stopped navel-gazing--and submersed myself in someone else’s story. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep. Yes, by shortly after nine o’clock on a Saturday night, I was fast asleep. By one-thirty in the morning I woke up and felt so much better. Like myself.

I took four important lessons away from my meltdown. This may not be a roadmap to peace for everyone, but it was a roadmap to my peace that night, and you might be able to use it as well.

One, during my meltdown, my girlfriends texted me. Kismet? Serendipity? God? Call it what you will. But in the middle of one of my darkest moments to-date, my friends who were getting together without me that night, reached out to me. They tried to cajole me to come join them, but I couldn’t. I was a puddle. A hot mess. Unfit for company. But what I did gain from that interaction was assurance that I was loved. Truly loved. I have great friends. Friends who often tell me they care for me and love me and who back it up with actions. So while my emotions told me I was physically all alone at that moment, I was reassured that while miles and miles away, my friends loved me, were thinking of me, and were connecting with me.

Two, you need to take care of yourself. Part of that self-care came in the form of soaking in a hot, lavender-scented bath while sipping bourbon. For some it might be eating ice cream. When we crave comfort, we need to find something that comforts us. Not something that works for someone else. But in a tiny way feed a need to be taken care of and treated to something special that we enjoy. Two of my favorite things are hot baths and bourbon. So, voila. Instant comfort.

Three, when you’re exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically, sometimes, the best thing you can do is go to sleep. Take a nap or go to bed early. Crawling into bed that early on a Saturday night is unheard of for me--I’m a night owl--however, it was the most helpful thing I could do for myself at that moment. Proven by the fact that after four solid hours of sleep, I felt like a brand new me. Yeah, can we say exhaustion takes an emotional toll?

Four, sometimes you just need to get out of your own head. Escape all the swirling thoughts. Read a good book. Watch a favorite movie or television show. Pull out your manuscript and work on your work-in-progress. Submerge your brain in someone else’s problems, in someone else’s story. When you come back to your reality, eventually, you’ll have given your brain a much-needed rest so that it can problem solve and find solutions for all those pesky, persistent issues that still nag at you.

I have no doubt that my days of meltdown are not totally behind me. I’ve got a long way to go in this transition phase as I face the emptying nest with milestones over the next five months and into the next two years. I’m working hard to keep myself healthy and strong, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. However, some days the perfect storm will hit. When it does next time, I believe I have a contingency plan. A way to find level ground and see my way free. I can’t promise I won’t go through it again, but, I can be confident that I’ll see my way though the chaos to a place of peace again because I’ve done it at least once before. Serenity hovers in my future, even if I am flailing in chaos because I've found my way through the chaos in the past and peace did return.

So tell me how you find peace in the midst of chaos when your life feels like it’s swirling out of control? I’d love to hear from you.

Me Strong: Fueling the Engine

Women are the glue that holds families together. If you’re anything like me, you’re the one who makes it happen. You get the kids off to school, you shop for groceries, you cook, you do the banking, arrange the doctor appointments, get kids to practice, schedule the service visits. You coordinate child care and date nights. You supervise chores--laundry, dishes, cleaning schedules. You volunteer and give back to your community. You’ve got your fingers in a million and one pies to keep the family going as it should. 

You are Wonder Woman, because you have to be. You can have it all, or so they tell us. The kids/family, the career, the happy home life, the vital relationships. And you can. Women absolutely can have it all. But there’s a price. And that price is usually YOU and your strength, vitality, and who you really are as an individual. We often let who we are slip away when we become part of the family unit, because we’re trying to please so many people, take care of multiple challenges, get it all done. 

We’re pulled in so many directions that we sometimes forget who we really are underneath all those roles we play--who we’ve been, who we want to be, and, therefore, who we are today. As my nest begins to empty, I’m searching for me under all that family clutter--often good clutter, even some of it great clutter, but still clutter. I’m trying to unearth who I am at my core, so that as my kids move out of the house, I won’t be totally lost. My identity, that has revolved around three boys for eighteen years is shifting, and it’s time to reassess, make sure I’m strong--physically, mentally, and spiritually--in order to handle whatever life throws at me in the next half of my life.

Here are three things I’ve recently found are essential to my assessment and continued development:

Time Alone - To find yourself, to get in touch with who you really are and what you want from life, you need time alone. Take some time away--whatever that means for you. Sequester yourself in your home office, spend an afternoon at the park, get away for the weekend in order to take inventory of where you are emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Time away from the noise helps you hear your inner voice. It gives you a reality check and develops the habit of introspection so that you can challenge yourself to grow and improve your situation in life. Then, when you figure out where you are and where you want to be, you can come up with a plan to help move in that direction. But if you’re not in touch with yourself, you’ll never figure it out.

Practice Me Strong - You need to develop a habit of physical fitness, whatever that means for you. No matter where you are in your life or what stage, if you don’t have a strong body and relatively good health, you won’t be able to accomplish the things you want in life. Period. Our bodies are one of the number one gifts we’ve been given. So take care of you. Be me strong. Whatever that means for you. Find the things you love to do and be active. Move. Push yourself. And when you start working on you … something crazy happens … your sense of inner strength and peace grows exponentially. You begin to feel more powerful. And then you are more powerful.

Remember Who You Were - Take a trip down memory lane. Remember the things you used to love to do during your halcyon days--whatever those were … high school … college … your twenties, when you had very little responsibility and lots of time on your hands to pursue what interested you most. Take time to explore those areas. They are hard-wired into you. In some senses, you were made to do those things. They are part of who you were, and may be part of who you still are. Exploit your past to find your future. Those activities brought you joy once--whether it was a sport, horse back riding, gardening, golf, sewing, being out in nature--whatever it was. You spent time training and pursuing those interests. You probably have some aptitude for them. So see if you still like to do them. If they still bring you joy. These experiences are part of the fabric of who you are. And, no, maybe the activity won’t look exactly like it did when you were eighteen; however, pursuing it does something to your spirit. It fills you. Makes you happy. Reminds you that you are wholly unique--the only one of your kind in the Universe. You are an individual with worth and value and you have something to give back.

If you practice these three things, no matter what life throws at you, you will know you’re strong enough to handle it, because you possess everything inside you for success. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. You’ll fall in love with your life once more, because you realize you are an individual, not just part of a unit. You have hopes, fears, passions, and pursuits that are unique to you alone. You are awesome. You are special.

Own your life. Fall in love with it again. Be happy. And if you do that, you’ll be strong and your engine will be fueled so that you can continue to push that little train up the mountain, wherever it’s going and whoever is on board. Because you can do it. You are glorious. You are strong. You are the powerhouse that keeps it all moving. So take care of you. Fuel your engine. You’ll be happier, more vital, stronger. Your family will be happier because you are happy. And, no matter what happens, you’ll know you’ll be okay.

So talk to me. Tell me how you're doing. Are you feeling strong? Overwhelmed? Powerful? What ways have you found to refuel your engine? I'd love to hear from you, and I'm always eager to add tools to my life toolbox. Let's chat.

Welcome to My Emptying Nest

As both Misha and Keely mentioned in their posts in the past few weeks, most of the members of the R8 have picked a journey to explore and write about here on the R8 blog. This journey is one that we’re each currently dealing with on a personal level. So we’ve thought it might be a good idea to share those journeys with you in the hopes that we can learn from each other as we continue down the path that we’ve chosen or that has chosen us.

The journey I find myself in the midst of is the Emptying Nest. Not empty nest yet, because I’ve got one son entering his senior year in high school and one who is entering his sophomore year in high school. But I’ve realized, as my oldest is now beginning his second year in college--and as that middle child prepares for leaving for college in a little over a year--that I’m struggling more than I thought I ever would with this phase.

You see, I’ve always been that woman who coached her college friends to make sure they had a hobby now, before their kids left home, otherwise they’d be lost when the time came. Well, I don’t have a hobby, I have a third profession--I’m an author, besides being a mother and holding down a job for another company--and I’m here to tell you, despite having my own interests, I’m feeling a little lost some days because I’ve realized my time as a full-time mom is finite.

Yes, I know, intellectually, I’ll always be a full-time mom, however, in reality, my boys are beginning to need me less. They’ll be home less. They’ll live somewhere else--maybe even hundreds of miles away from me. I’ll see them and interact with them less than I have for the past nineteen years. And while I’ve never been a mom whose whole life has been centered on my kids and their activities, I still find my axis shifting. The core of who I’ve been over the past almost twenty years is softening, dissolving, and becoming something different. Not a bad thing. However, I’m finding this transition is a hard one for me.

So I hope you’ll stop by over the next few weeks and months to follow my Emptying Nest journey.

This week, however, my nest is quite full. The college son is back home from school for three weeks. The world traveler (my middle son who recently traveled to France) arrived home  on Tuesday. And my youngest, who shattered his second smart phone in as many months, comes home each day dripping of sweat from weight training and football practice. While the three of them drive me nuts most days, I love having them together. We’re heading off for a week together at the beach, and I plan to enjoy every single minute of the bickering, rough-housing, tussling, attitude-ridden, hugs that turn into neck holds, smiles, real hugs, kisses on the cheek, and stolen moments I can get. Now if I can keep them out of the water or at least keep them from becoming shark bait, I’ll count myself lucky.

I’d love to hear your words of wisdom about how you’ve dealt with an emptying nest. Like I said, part of this is for me to learn. From you. And from processing my own emotions and thoughts. Yes, that’s how writers often do it. ;0)

Have a great week! Happy belated 4^th of July. Enjoy your summer. And we’ll talk real soon. Hugs!