90 Pounds and Counting: Just Keep Swimming

Wow, it sucks to write this, but it's true: I have gained more weight. Sigh. I wish I had some deep insight or reasonable explanation, but it's just the same old, same old. I don't mind saying that I'm a little discouraged. But it ain't over! My plan is to follow the advice I've given myself in previous posts, and just keep at it. I'll be back on May 30th, and we'll see how things are at that point.

Two titles I had considered for this post were: "I Got Nothin'" and "WTF?" but instead, I went with "Just Keep Swimming," because sometimes, that's all we can do. So here's a little bit of Dory from Finding Nemo, singing my personal anthem. I hope that where every you are in your personal journey(ies), you are also swimming forward towards your goal! See you in a few weeks.

95 Pounds and Counting: Backsliding, and Complacency vs. Self Esteem

So, yes, it's true: I have "backslid" to an alarming degree. And to be brutally honest, one of the reasons this post is late is that I wasn't sure what the heck I could say about the situation. Even as I type these words, I'm still not sure. Let's find out....

A Quick Recap

(You can find my previous weight loss posts at this link.)

In 2010, I weighed in at 365 pounds. Five years later, in June 2015, I had lost 100 pounds. I hit my lowest point in umpteen years on September 15, when I weighed 250. (Cue the happy dance.)

I regained a little weight after moving house in October, but when last I posted, I was maintaining my weight in the low 260s and feeling good about myself. Even after going on vacation over Christmas, I managed to maintain. Since returning home, however, I have gotten lax both with diet and exercise. Cue the frowny-face.

So What the Heck Happened?

This is the question I've been asking myself. And the rock-bottom truth is this: I got complacent. I allowed "feeling good about myself" to slide into "feeling so good about myself that I stopped taking care of myself," which is kind of a silly thing to do.

Wondering where the real difference between these two attitudes lies, I have decided to consult the dictionary (or at least, the online dictionary).

Complacency vs. Self-Esteem

Here's how Dictionary.com defines self-esteem:

a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

"Realistic respect." Nice, right? That's what I was feeling at the end of December, when I wrote this post.

So, now let's take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Here's the definition of complacency:

a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.

"Quiet pleasure… unaware of some potential danger… smug satisfaction with an existing situation." Boom. That's my huckleberry. I've been a little too satisfied with where things are. I need to find my hunger for change again, instead of just my hunger for French fries.

So, How Do I Turn Things Around?

Ugh. I wish the answer to that question were "order a pizza," but that's kind of what got me here in the first place.

Really, the best place for me to go is back to my old stand-bys: walking and salad. It's funny to write that, it seems so simple, but those two little things lie at the core of the success I've had in losing weight.  But the tricky thing is that I'm now in a new place, with a new schedule, and am combatting both loneliness (I'm not afraid to say it: I miss my friends!), and a fair amount of boredom (I also miss my day job… or to be more accurate, I miss having a place to go every day). (Recently, the places I've been going on a daily basis all have calories as their final destination, which explains a lot.)

So, I need to take my old successful actions and fit them into my new life. And I can do that… I think. To make it official, though, I should really make a list. (I don't get much done unless I have a list.) Here goes:

• Walk a mile, at least four times a week. I prefer to walk at night (it's the vampire in me), so I'll set my walking time as 8:00 PM.
• Eat two salads a day. For some reason I've lost my taste for the usual leaf lettuce, so I'm going to try some chewier greens: romaine, kale, arugula, spinach. When my enjoyment of the lighter greens resurfaces (and it always does, eventually) I'll work them back into my diet.
• Start counting calories again. I used to use an app on my phone for this, but to shake things up I'm going to record what I'm eating by hand for a while. Maybe that will make it more interesting.
• Give myself some motivation: I will go ahead and buy some jeans in a size smaller than my smallest size. What fun it will be to fit into those!

Ah, Catharsis

Well, as usual, writing this post has been extremely cathartic! Thank you all so much for letting me ramble and vent. I hope you've found all this at least a little entertaining, if not helpful.

My next post will be on April 11. It will be interesting to see where my weight will be at that point!

And What About You?

That's enough about me. What about you? Do you have any stories to share? All stories - whether of frustrations or successes - are always welcome. Any inspiration for me? Commiseration? Advice?

112 Pounds and Counting: My Hair is Falling Out, But My Mustache is as Thick and Full As Ever!

I'm a little conflicted about writing this post. And since it's not specifically about weight loss, I don't know if you'll call foul on this being the second post in my Weight Loss Journey series.

Let's Back Up…


Earlier this year, the glorious ladies of the Rockville 8 decided that we wanted to focus on life journeys. Since we're all headed somewhere, we might as well write about it, am I write right? I decided to blog about my weight loss, because it's very much what I'm personally focused on these days.

In short, my journey began on January 1, 2010, when I hit rock-bottom by hitting an unwanted highest-ever: 365 pounds. As of August 1, 2015 (two thousand thirty-eight days later, but who's counting?) I weigh 253 pounds.

(Hold for applause.) (Hold for ticker-tape parade.) (Hold for somebody to tell me to get over myself and get on with the blog.)

So that's 112 pounds, with a lot of ups and downs in between. It's been a long journey, and it ain't over yet! I have eighty pounds to go before I hit my goal of 173 (which is just within the "normal" BMI parameters for me). I posted my first blog about this, I've Lost 100 Pounds and I'm Still Fat, on June 15.

Okay, So What's With This Hair Loss Business?

That's what I'd like to know! Back in November I noticed that I was losing a lot of hair. It had happened a few years earlier, too, after I'd lost a lot of weight, and eventually the "hair fall" stopped and life went on as usual. Even the November hair loss also slowed after I stopped using shampoo (switched to baking soda and vinegar, which I loved). But about two months ago, my hair started falling out again. So now, yeah, I'm a little worried.

Worried enough, and embarrassed enough, in fact, that I wasn't going to write about it. But it's been very much on my mind, and since it's a health-related issue (and possibly a weight-related issue, still not sure), it seemed dishonest to keep it to myself.

I've done a fair amount of internet-related research on the subject. What I haven't done yet is talk to my doctor. But I finally made an appointment, so hopefully I'll soon be on the receiving end of some helpful medical advice. It could be something as simple as an iron deficiency. It could be stress-related. Could be hormonal. Could be a million, bazillion things. One of the most frustrating aspects of this situation is all the things it "could be."

That being said, here are a few things I've done that seem to have made a slight difference:

• Stopped washing my hair every day. Although there was a time when I washed my hair every day, back in November I switched from shampoo to baking soda and vinegar. Recently I've tried going totally no-wash (except with water). Four days seems to be the absolute limit of how long I can go without cleaning my hair, although if I'm ever brave enough, I may push it a little longer. I can't say for sure that no-wash is making a big improvement, but I can say that my scalp feels healthier, less dry, and so I'm going to keep it up. (That is, I'm going to keep up the thing I'm not doing, which is daily cleaning.)
• Taking a supplement called Phytoworx. I'm not going to include a link here, because I don't want it to seem like I'm not trying to sell the stuff. I will say that it's a combination of just about every natural remedy for hair loss that I've heard of, and after a couple weeks of taking it, my hair loss has slowed. Not stopped, but slowed, and that ain't bad!
• Eating more protein, more often. Over the past year, as I've been eating lighter, meat has started to disappear from my diet. I've always felt philosophically drawn toward vegetarianism, and I even tried to go vegan a couple years ago (more on that in another post, if you're interested). But hair health and protein intake do seem to be related, so I've been making sure to include a couple small servings of meat a day, as well as eggs in the morning. I also eat nuts with my morning snack.

Anyhow, we'll see how this goes. If you see me walking around with a dramatic comb-over or a funny hat, you'll know why! I'm really hoping to get some helpful answers from my doctor. But either way, I'll keep you posted!

And if you've had this trouble yourself and don't mind talking about it, I hope you'll share your experiences in the comments.

Um, And What About The Mustache?

Huh. *blushes* Yeah, the facial hair is a whole other issue. Actually, I could have said "beard" in the post title instead of "mustache" but I just think "mustache" is a funnier word, so I used it instead.

Okay, this is an incredibly uncomfortable thing to discuss. But you know what, who cares? Honestly, more and more women are having facial hair issues, so let's get our fuzzy faces out of the closet and talk about it.

I started growing hair on my chin and neck when I was fourteen (not too devastating for a girl who already had major self-image issues!), and it's been a persistent problem. Over the past thirty years, I've tried:

• Electrolysis – was too painful and expensive for me to finalize my course of treatment, so unfortunately this had no long-term results.
• Laser hair removal – which didn't eliminate the problem, but did reduce it by about thirty percent.
• Waxing – I recently tried to let my chin hair get long enough for it to be waxed, but unfortunately that was a no-go. The very sweet lady at the salon suggested I let it grow for two weeks. After I stopped laughing at that idea, I thanked her for her time and left.
• Medical advice – I've consulted two doctors. One said that I exhibited symptoms of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). She prescribed birth control pills, but they made me crazy so I stopped taking them. The other prescribed progesterone, but I stopped taking it due to insurance issues (they're expensive, and I went through a period where I didn't have insurance, so there ya go). I'm thinking about asking my new doctor if she would suggest a similar course of treatment. But to be frank, I don't like taking a lot of prescriptions (already take two for my blood pressure), and since this a cosmetic issue, I chafe at the idea of swallowing any more. (I'm not saying this is a good attitude to have, I'm just saying that this has been my thought process thus far.)
• Natural solutions – For example, at one point, I tried taking large doses of inositol after reading that inositol has a positive effect on symptoms of PCOS. Awesomely enough, the inositol definitely slowed the growth of hair on my face. But unfortunately it also seemed to accelerate the loss of hair on my head, so I stopped taking it.

All of the above remedies have their workability and validity. You'll notice that one thing that most of them have in common is that I didn't follow through long enough to see permanent results. (The one exception being laser hair removal). My best hope is for…

• Weight loss – As I've lost the last fifty pounds or so, the hair on my face has stopped growing so quickly. I'm hopeful that as I continue to lose, the hair on my chinny-chin-chin will stop growing altogether. If it doesn't (which it very well may not), then I will probably go with a combination platter: medical, natural, and another round of laser removal.

Sometimes, you just gotta keep swinging until you hit something.

And Now What?

Well first, I'm going to end this post. It's already way too long! (Thanks for sticking with me this whole time, by the way. It's been incredibly cathartic.) After that, I'm going to keep doing the things that have been working, and weed out the things that haven't.

My next post will be on September 21. What would you like me to write about? Some ideas I've had are:

• I hate going to the doctor, but I do it anyway (medical manifesto from a semi-hippie-chick).
• Three silly things I've done to try to lose weight.
• Five years of weight loss: what's worked, and what hasn't.

Those are my thoughts, but I am wide open to other ideas! Please leave suggestions in the comments. Also, if you have questions about anything that I've written, please don't hesitate to ask. At this point, I don't have a lot of secrets left, so don't be shy.

You can also contact me any time through the About and Contact page on my website: MishaCrews.com/about.

Have a great week, friends!

I've Lost 100 Pounds and I'm Still Fat: 3 Tough but Funny Lessons from an Unfinished Journey

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor. I'm also not an astronaut, lion tamer or mountaineer. Please consult a professional before making life changes in any of these important areas. Thanks.

So here's what happened:

On the morning of January 1, 2010, I stepped on the scale and the display read "365."

My first thought was: "Wow, I only had two glasses of champagne last night. Why is my vision so blurry?" I blinked and rubbed my eyes. Still 365.

My second thought was: "The floor must be really uneven here. This stupid scale isn't balanced properly." I got off, moved the scale slightly, and got back on again. Still 365.

My third thought was: "If something doesn't change, I'm going to be dead soon."

The third thought was the one that stuck. I made a solemn vow (as I had done so many — many, many — times before) that I would lose a hundred pounds before the end of that year.

One year and fifty-three months later, I actually reached that 100-pound goal. It was on May 10, 2015, that my scale (the same one!) told me I weighed 264.7 pounds. When I saw that magic number, I did an exuberant but incredibly clumsy happy dance (seriously, be thankful you weren't there to see it) and supplemented my kale shake with an extra scoop of triumph.

But here's the thing: I'm still fat. Although 265'ish pounds was an incredible milestone for me, and I'm as proud as punch to have reached that weight, there is a long, rocky road (yes, that's an ice cream joke) to travel between where I am now, and where I want/need to be. And although many hearty souls have made the trip from Obesityville to Healthytown before me, the journey is different for each of us.

So, in many ways, this feels like uncharted territory. And as I make my way across the wild country, confronted at every turn by untamed bowls of pasta and perilous cliffs chiseled out of chocolate, here are a few things I'm trying to keep in mind:

You gain some, you lose some… and then you gain some back.

Between where I started and where I am currently sitting (258.6 as of this morning), I have dropped a total of 106.4 pounds. (Excuse me while I break my arm patting myself on the back.) In addition to that, however, I estimate that I've lost, gained back, and re-lost about 85 pounds. Goodness only knows how much I'll lose, re-gain and then re-lose again, before I reach my ultimate goal of 173 pounds (which is just at "normal" for me on the BMI scale.

For example, in late-2011/early-2012, I lost about 60 pounds (more on that in a future post). I then spent the next couple years re-gaining and re-losing about twenty of those pounds. I was a little depressed about this for a while. But in the long run, I kept off 40 pounds, and that was the important thing.

If you lose a bunch of weight, there will usually be an "evening out" phase where some of the weight comes back on. It's a natural (if infuriating) part of the process. But the important steps are the ones that lead us forward, and those are the steps we should count.

Decisions, Decisions: Health and Happiness, Or Pizza? (The answer isn't as obvious as it should be.)

Simply put, pizza has three qualities which health and happiness will never have: it's easy, it's always gratifying, and it's instantaneous (if you consider 30 minutes or less to be instantaneous, which apparently I do).

Granted, the whole healthy/happy thing has its own kind of gratification (such as long life and… well… happiness), but it's rarely easy, and never instant. So, when I weighed almost four hundred pounds, how often do you think I'd pass up a hot, delicious slice of instant gratification in favor of a cold, unsympathetic celery stick? If you answered "Never," you win a bag of baby carrots.

But the lesson that I finally learned is this: it's not always an either/or question. Sometimes it's an and/and decision: Pizza and salad and a walk afterwards. Instant gratification tastes better with a heaping helping of healthy habits on the side. And the happiness is never far from my plate.

Mostly mental: Is it all in my mind… or on my backside?

Alfred Hitchcock once said, "When I catch sight of my reflection, I'm always surprised that I don't look like Cary Grant."

I can totally relate to that. Not that I think I look like Cary Grant. Or any Cary (or Carrie), for that matter. But I can completely empathize with the notion that our mental image of ourselves tends to be very different from what other people see.

Some people think they're fat, but they're actually not. Other people, like me, hide in a mental hole and pretend the fat doesn't exist until they get slapped in the face by the meaty palm of reality. (Like seeing 365 on my scale, or having my father die suddenly from heart disease, when he didn't even know he was sick.)

There are also some people who lose weight and still feel fat. But here's something I just realized recently: fat is a physical thing. It may, or may not, be seen as negative.

But beauty is always positive, and true beauty is entirely mental and emotional. If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful. And while there are exceptions to every rule, the majority of people will see us as we see ourselves. 

So when you hear a little voice whispering in your ear that says you're unattractive, or unworthy, or undeserving, tell that voice to take a hike. Even if — especially if — that voice is yours.

And tell yourself every day how beautiful you are. Because, guess what! You are!

What, did you think I hadn't noticed?

So… could this be a regular thing?

I'm thinking of making this weight loss journey my regular blog topic here on the Rockville 8. Does that sound interesting, or self-indulgent? And if it's interesting, what would you like to know?