Moving Forward

Photo: Emily Reed
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Lately, the Rockville 8 has been blogging about our life journeys. I’ve haven’t done a post relating to this theme mainly because I wasn’t sure what mine was. But, now I think I know. My journey is to move forward. To reinvent myself, or maybe just go with the flow of progress and growth that’s been interrupted while I addressed my health crises and had the five surgeries required to get back to…well, me. Now that I’m past the medical issues, I feel like a tidal wave has engulfed me. It’s as if I built a flimsy dam to hold life back until I could get back on my feet, and now it’s opened—rushing at me, carrying me downstream at a faster rate than I can sometimes manage.

Photo: dreamstime.com

                           
My current reinvention is taking a certification program for my job. It is intense—eight hours a day, five days a week, complete with tests and homework. The tests are hard. In the last class, half of the people failed the first exam. No one wants to go back to work and tell management they can’t pass the expensive class that the boss funded. Their stress only ramped up my stress.

Photo: dreamstime.com

However, despite the difficulties, I’m discovering that I can do this. I’m working hard, a lot harder than working forty hours a week at my job. This requires evenings studying as well. I’ve had to miss social events that I would normally attend which makes me feel sad and isolated. But, it has forced me outside of myself, if that makes sense. It’s made me reach for something that I wasn’t physically strong enough to reach for a couple of years ago. It’s reminded me that I’m young and need to get back in the game.

Photo: dreamstime.com

Change is difficult. Even good changes are stressful. I’m trying to look at this in the most positive light. Sometimes, when it’s late and I’m tired of studying, it’s not easy to stay positive. But I’m working on it. I’ve been through fourteen weeks of training since the middle of June and I am about to start two more weeks on Monday. I’m plowing through it. I’m surviving. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

Towered

Two weeks ago, when Candy wrote "... several people I know are going through some significant life changes right now..." one of those people was me.

Life as I had lived it for eleven years was over and all of a sudden I had to find a new place to live. Fast. In short, I had been towered.

The Tower is the 16th card in the Major Arcana of the Tarot. Some of the key words associated with this card are: Chaos, Crisis, Disruption, Disillusionment, Crash, and other super fun things like that.

This towering was no exception. It was all of that and more. One thing it wasn't, though, was unfamiliar. We all get change thrust upon us, don't we?

It isn't fun, but it usually isn't fatal either. And this time, along with weeping and bemoaning my fate and going through all the stages that Candy outlined in her post, I am determined to embrace my new life. To find not just a new place to live but a new identity.

I didn't ask for this midlife crisis but now that it's here, I'm going to make the most of it.

First things first, I just moved in to my new living situation. Everything is new and discombobulating. I spent the weekend finding my hair brush and other vital things and shuffling around the house, trying to get used to it. This afternoon my friend and I walked down to the Starbucks (a writer thing you either understand or don't) then I spent the evening making sure I have everything I'll need in the morning for work.

I'll spend the next few weeks continuing to unpack and sort and stow. I got rid of a lot of "stuff" before the move, but I plan to get rid of a good deal more. I don't know a lot about the new identity I'm working on, but I do know I want it to be lighter. Faster on my feet.

And that one of the key words associated with it will be: Writer.

Next time I post I'll come prepared with a picture of my new writing space.

I'd have posted some this time if I could find my camera . . .

Change is Not a Four Letter Word

photo credit: 123rf.com

Change is an important part of the cycle of life. So why does it still catch us so off guard when it happens? I’m not sure if it’s because it’s fall here in the mid-Atlantic states or if there’s something catchy in the air, but several people I know (including me) are going through some significant life changes right now. So this week, I decided to look at the stages we go through when we face change and share my Girlfriends' Guide to Managing Change.

Whether it’s you or someone you love facing a huge life change--the end of a long-term relationship, a job transition, the discovery of an illness or disease, or an unexpected surgery--we all deal with change and the chaos of emotions that surround these events in similar ways. Understanding the natural trajectory of emotions during huge change in your life can help us find our way through the chaos and debris left behind when it hits. Here are the common stages psychologists outline as the phases we go through when we deal with change:

Stage 1: Denial - This stage is where we refuse to accept the change that has been forced on us. We resist and we see change as bad. This is not what we expected our life to look like and we refuse to view it any other way. The comfort and security we’ve experienced to some degree has been yanked away and our illusion of control has been fully exposed.

Stage 2: Anger - Once we realize the change is going to happen whether we like it or not, we often move into a phase where anger is the predominate emotion. We get angry at the situation or the person who initiated the change, or we’ll sometimes direct the anger inward at ourselves.

Stage 3: Bargaining - In this phase, we try to bargain with the person who forced the change on us. This could be the attempt at reconciliation in a relationship or the place where we make a deal with God or ask that boss to reconsider his/her decision.

Stage 4: Depression - This stage is where we work through the feelings of loss we’re experiencing for the life, comfort, and security we thought we had but we’ve now lost. We’re grieving the loss of good health, that person who we’ve loved for decades, or job security. The emotions are powerful and important to navigate.

Stage 5: Acceptance - This is the final stage where we let go of anger and decide to move on with our lives. This doesn’t mean we don’t still ache and hurt from the situation, but we choose to get on with living our lives, whatever that life is going to look like in the future.

What we need to realize is that we all go through these stages when faced with change--big or small. Many people will flip-flop back and forth through several of these five steps, possibly getting stuck in one of them or shifting back to an earlier stage, right before truly moving on.

“I accept change. I am not so sure change accepts me.” Bob Dylan



photo credit: 123rf.com

Okay, so what do we do when faced with change? Now that we’ve identified five possible universal stages we experience when faced with change, what do we do next? I love business and leadership books, so, naturally, that’s where I went to look for answers.

John Kotter, leadership guru and former professor at Harvard Business School, established an eight step model for change leadership back in 1996 and has since updated his change management strategy as Chief Innovation Officer at Kotter International. My Girlfriends' Guide to Managing Change is loosely based on his model, but adapted and twisted to fit our needs here (with one key additional step).

The Girlfriends' Guide to Managing Change

Step 1: Determine where you are on the emotional trajectory mentioned above. Which stage are you in? And what’s keeping you from moving toward acceptance? Take a step back and try to figure out where you are in dealing with the change forced on you. Are you still in the denial stage? The anger stage? By identifying your position, you can begin to manage your own progress and move toward acceptance at your own pace.

Step 2: Gather your survival posse and keep them close. These are your “change leaders,” those friends you call on when you’re bottoming out or when you need to vent. This team helps to keep you moving forward. They’re your cheerleaders, coaches, sounding boards for whatever change crisis you’re going through. Whether you need margarita therapy, a good cry, or a bitch session, this posse is your go-to team.

Step 3: Ask yourself where to next? Have a vision for where you want to go from here. How does this change open up new opportunities? And how can you turn this “bad” change into a positive situation that moves you into a position of strength? Develop a plan and envision where you want to go from this point forward in your life.

Step 4: Talk about your plan/vision. First, use your vision as a guiding light in making decisions. In the midst of major change is not a good time to make major decisions. So knowing where you’re headed next will help you make right decisions that keep moving you ahead. Does this decision support where I want to go? Sometimes, this vision might be as simple as getting out of the chaos into a “safe” place to heal or regroup. Nothing wrong with that kind of plan. Talk about it often. This helps you to formulate and develop your new reality as you’re moving through the change into a better place.

Step 5: Remove obstacles to your growth. Are there things or ways of doing things that are getting in the way of your growth? Identify these obstacles and eliminate them. Whatever is not nurturing or helping you grow is an obstacle creating stagnation. Weed out the bad, devote your energy to the good, building activities in your life.

Step 6: Keep a list of short-term wins. It’s important to celebrate success, even the little ones. Anything that moves us toward our goals is good. Note and celebrate your progress. This will keep you going, help recharge and motivate you.

Step 7: Build on change. Real change cuts deep. Take this opportunity to look at your change situation to examine the role you played leading up to it. Was there anything you could have done differently? Don’t get stuck in regrets here. There’s nothing you can do about the past except use it to help you become a better, stronger person. Examine, take note, and move on.

Step 8: Embrace change as an adventure and an opportunity for a fresh start. When possible, allow your change situation to spur you on to becoming the best you--the two-point-oh version. Use this change to help you reach your highest potential. How we respond to life change matters. No one has the power to determine your course in life except you. Make the most of it.

Step 9: Be kind to yourself. Donald Trump says, “People think they will get more of what they want by being harder on themselves when reality is we get more of what we want by being more compassionate and loving ourselves.” So love yourself. Give yourself the break you need. Grace goes a long way in helping us heal and adjust to change. Take care of yourself. Do things you love to do, that nurture your soul, and restore your emotional tank during this difficult time.

All right, enough of what I think. Let me know about your experience with life changes and how you deal with the difficult things that come your way.

Word Up!

Happy New Year, friends!

Have you ever chosen a word for your year? A word to serve as touchstone, ballast, gateway to meditation or the like? A few years ago, some of my writer pals started the practice. That year, I coopted a word that a lot of folks selected – fearless. As in: be fearless in writing that shitty first draft. Be fearless in entering the Golden Heart. Be fearless in your queries and your pitches and the pursuit of your dreams. It helped me to frame my questions: am I doing xx or not doing xx out of fear? Knowing the answer to that didn’t always have an impact on my actions, but it sure provided a keen understanding of how I moved through the world.

Fearless was a good word.

The next year, my boss announced his retirement and the word I landed upon was change. I had a bead with the word hanging from my cell – word of the year as phone bling! When one friend caught sight of the bead, she asked me why I thought I needed to change. For me, for that span of time (in this case, I kept the word for a couple of years), my WOTY helped me remember simply that change is inevitable. Change happens. Change in and of itself is neither positive nor negative. It just is. But how I react to change? That’s on me.

Last fall, I laid out a few scenarios of what the months from September through December could look like as we said goodbye to the old boss and welcomed the new. I didn’t like the one where I used pizza and adult beverages as stress relief. That nightmare vision helped me make a change of my own – and to date, I’ve lost around sixty-five pounds.

Yay for change!

When this year rolled around, I knew it was time for a new word. I have a tendency to hibernate from the world. I think a little of that is okay – gotta recharge the old batteries, right? But the more I hibernate, the harder it is for me to snap out of stasis.

So after a lot of deliberation, I chose engaged. Engaged in writing. Engaged in healthy living. Engaged in the warp and weft of my life and the lives of my friends and family. Now I can ask myself: does xx keep me engaged with my dreams/goals/hopes/life? The answer may not always be yes. But the answer will always inform my next decision.

Engaged in self-awareness!

All words are on the table. I think the only rule is: choose a word that resonates with you. My mom picked kind, because she’d like to be kinder to herself this year. One writing friend opted for simplify. My runner-up word this year was dance.

So what’s your word of the year?

Ch-Ch-Changes

Each year I celebrate my birthday with 5-6 folks who share the same happy date. Often we exchange small gifts. Last year, a former coworker made cell phone bling and gave us the opportunity to choose among several options. Each had a silver bead with a power word on it. I snagged the one that read “change,” thinking to use it as a touchstone for meditation, for acceptance of that fact that, as Patty Loveless sings in that old song, "Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

I’m not comfortable with change as a general rule. I don’t like surprises, curveballs or things I can’t anticipate. But I knew last year that I’d be enduring a gauntlet of changes in 2011 and I thought: Bring it on. I know you’re coming for me. I’ll be ready.

Some things you are never ready for.

I wasn’t ready for my grandfather to die this spring, even though I knew the end was near. And this summer, I wasn’t ready for two critique partners to choose new paths that lead away from our little band of writers. In a few months’ time, I doubt I’ll truly be ready to say good-bye to my boss of seven years.

Change. It’s hard, dammit.

I think my favorite protagonists would hold a similar opinion. For all the sh** we writers put those poor folks through, it’s a wonder they’re willing to show up on the page to find out what we have in store for them next. Life is swell then, bam, they stumble across an unexpected betrothal, get caught up in the search for a murderer, or learn that humans aren’t the only species at the top of the food chain. Or they are forced to come to grips with all three changes to life-as-they-knew-it at once. But show up they do and watching how they triumph, sink, fight and rise again not only keeps me reading, it keeps me writing.

In 1930s Hollywood W.S. “Woody” Van Dyke (director of The Thin Man among other great films), used to push people into his pool during parties he hosted. How his guests responded to this unexpected turn of events helped him figure out whom he wanted to work with in his next films (thankfully for all of us, Myrna Loy passed the splash test with flying, if drenched, colors).

It got me wondering. My hero, Joe, would likely stay in the pool, naked, the rest of the night. Especially if he could entice his mate, Della, to join him. Della would probably fail the test (she likes change just about as much as I do. Go figure.). She might even try to arrest Mr. Van Dyke for frivolous frivolity. That is, if she were still a cop. And if she could find such a statute on the books. I’d like to think my little touchstone has prepared me so I could pass the pool plunge test like Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed in It's a Wonderful Life.

But it probably hasn’t.

How about you and your characters? How would your favorite hero/ine take to getting pushed into Van Dyke’s pool? How would you?